When Being “Good Enough” Is Never Enough The Exhaustion of Perfectionism

Perfectionism often looks like a strength, precision, ambition, high standards. Yet behind the polished surface sits a constant tension: the “never enough” loop that fuels anxiety, shame and burnout. This article explores why perfectionism can become emotionally exhausting, and offers practical, compassionate ways to loosen its grip and rediscover your sense of balance.

Perfectionism is one of those traits that can seem admirable at first glance. It often looks like care, ambition, and a commitment to excellence. Yet behind that polished surface, there is often a quieter story unfolding: the tension of never feeling enough, the constant voice pushing for more, and the silent fatigue that builds over time. The recent New Yorker article “The Pain of Perfectionism” (August 11, 2025) brought renewed attention to this topic, highlighting the hidden costs of a culture that rewards performance but overlooks the weight of pressure. “The more we try to be perfect,” the author writes, “the more we disconnect from our humanity.” And indeed, the pursuit of perfection often leads us away from the very sense of aliveness we are trying to preserve.

In therapy, perfectionism rarely appears as a simple desire to do things well. It is, more deeply, an emotional survival strategy, a way to stay safe from judgment, failure, or rejection. Many clients describe it in similar ways: “I can’t ever feel satisfied, even when others praise me,” or “If I relax, I’ll lose everything I’ve worked for.” These statements reveal not just high standards, but a fragile link between self-worth and achievement. As psychologists Paul Hewitt and Gordon Flett have described, perfectionism is often an attempt to regulate insecurity. It offers a sense of control, but at the cost of freedom and peace.

Hewitt and Flett distinguish between three main forms of perfectionism:

• self-oriented
• socially prescribed
• and other-oriented.

The first focuses on unrealistic expectations toward oneself. The second is rooted in the belief that others demand perfection from us. The third projects impossible standards onto the people around us. Among these, socially prescribed perfectionism tends to be the most harmful, because it ties our sense of value to external approval. Every mistake becomes a threat, not just to our competence, but to our acceptability as human beings.

The self-perpetuating loop

Over time, perfectionism becomes a self-perpetuating loop. You raise the bar to feel in control, you meet it but never feel satisfied, and so you raise it again. This constant striving can lead to exhaustion and anxiety, while still whispering that rest is not allowed. Research by Curran and Hill (2019, Psychological Bulletin) shows that perfectionism has been increasing steadily for decades, closely linked to depression, burnout, and feelings of isolation. Behind the appearance of high performance, there is often deep inner pressure, the fear that any sign of imperfection will expose our inadequacy.

The real issue is not the wish to improve, but the fear of making mistakes. For many, perfectionism is not driven by passion for excellence but by fear: fear of disappointing, of being judged, or of losing love if they are not flawless. It functions like a suit of armor that protects but isolates, providing safety while slowly restricting movement. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), this dynamic is described as cognitive fusion: when thoughts like “I must not fail” or “I’m not enough” are treated as facts rather than mental events. Therapy helps create distance from these thoughts so that choices can emerge from personal values, not from fear or avoidance.

Self-compassion

There are, however, ways to begin loosening this grip. Cultivating self-compassion is one of the most powerful. Instead of asking “Am I doing enough?”, try asking “How am I feeling right now?” This small shift changes the focus from performance to presence. As Kristin Neff’s research shows, self-compassion reduces self-criticism and builds resilience, allowing you to relate to yourself with the same warmth you might offer a friend. Making peace with relational imperfection is equally vital. Many perfectionists thrive professionally but struggle in close relationships, where vulnerability feels unsafe. Allowing yourself to be seen — even in moments of confusion, tiredness, or doubt, creates the conditions for genuine connection.

You can also experiment with lowering your standards gradually. Deliver a task that feels “good enough” rather than perfect and notice what happens. The world rarely collapses, and the relief that follows can be liberating. Writing down your recurring perfectionistic thoughts can also help: seeing them on paper often reveals how rigid or repetitive they are. It becomes easier to recognize that they are thoughts, not truths. Finally, finding a non-performative space of care, such as therapy, can be transformative. Therapy is one of the few places where you don’t need to “do well.” You are simply invited to show up, as you are.

We live in a culture that teaches us to optimize, perform, and constantly strive for more. But true wellbeing doesn’t come from control; it comes from permission,  the permission to rest and to be human. You are not the sum of your achievements, but the person who continues to show up despite the uncertainty. Learning to honor your humanity instead of chasing perfection is not about lowering your potential; it’s about reclaiming your peace.

If professional support is needed, you can schedule a free 10-minute consultation to learn how Mindscape clinicians can help. Alternatively, you can fill out the form with your preferred call time and contact number, and a team member will contact you within 48 hours.