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Perfectionism is one of those traits that, at first glance, almost sounds like a virtue: precision, ambition, attention to detail.
But behind that polished image often hides a constant tension, an inner voice that never rests and a deep sense of inadequacy that quietly erodes self-worth day after day. An article published in The New Yorker on August 11, 2025 “The Pain of Perfectionism” brought the topic back into the public eye, shedding light on how our performance-driven culture rewards achievement while ignoring the weight of pressure. “The more we try to be perfect,” the author writes, “the more we disconnect from our humanity.” And indeed, the more we strive for perfection, the further we drift from ourselves.
In therapy, perfectionism rarely shows up as a simple “desire to do well.”
It is, more often, a strategy for emotional safety, a way to shield oneself from judgment, failure, or rejection.
Clients often describe it like this: “I can’t feel satisfied, even when people praise me.” “I’m afraid that if I relax, everything will fall apart.” “The moment I stop, that voice starts: you haven’t done enough.”
As psychologists Paul Hewitt and Gordon Flett (1991) describe, perfectionism is a way of managing insecurity. It’s a form of inner control that leaves little space for vulnerability or rest.
Hewitt and Flett identified three main types of perfectionism:
Self-oriented perfectionism: setting unrealistically high standards for oneself.
Socially prescribed perfectionism: believing that others expect perfection from us.
Other-oriented perfectionism: imposing excessively high standards on people around us.
The most harmful form is the socially prescribed one, because it ties our self-worth to the approval of others. Every mistake feels like a threat to our acceptability.
Perfectionism feeds on itself, creating a toxic cycle:
You raise your standards to feel in control.
You reach them, but it doesn’t feel enough.
You decide to push even harder.
You burn out, but you can’t stop.
It’s a loop that breeds anxiety, shame, and emptiness, all hidden behind a mask of efficiency.
As Curran and Hill (2019, Psychological Bulletin) show, perfectionism has been rising steadily over the past three decades and is strongly correlated with depression, anxiety, and burnout.
The real issue isn’t wanting to do well, it’s being terrified of doing wrong.
For many, perfectionism isn’t fueled by passion for excellence, but by fear: fear of disappointing, failing, or being unlovable unless they’re flawless.In this sense, perfectionism acts like a suit of armor: it protects, but it also isolates. It keeps control, but restricts movement. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), this is called cognitive fusion: when thoughts like “I must not fail” or “I need to be perfect” are treated as absolute truths instead of passing mental events.
Therapeutic work helps create distance between you and those thoughts, so that choices can come from your values, not from fear.
Instead of asking, “Am I doing enough?”, try asking, “How am I feeling right now?”
It sounds simple, but it’s a radical act of kindness.
According to Kristin Neff (2011), self-compassion reduces self-criticism and fosters resilience.
Mini exercise: When you hear that “not enough” voice, place a hand on your chest and repeat quietly: “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough for now.”
Perfectionism doesn’t only live in work, it shows up in relationships too.
The pressure to be the perfect partner, parent, or friend can lead to emotional distance.
Allow yourself to be seen, even in your moments of doubt or fatigue: that’s where authentic connection begins.
Try submitting a project that’s 90% done instead of 100%, and notice what happens. the world rarely collapses, and the relief of breathing freely is worth far more than perfection.
Write down your recurring perfectionistic beliefs:
“If I don’t do it perfectly, I’ll fail.”
“People will notice if I make a mistake.”
Then ask: Is that always true?
Seeing thoughts from the outside helps you loosen their grip.
Therapy is one of the few spaces where you don’t have to perform.
It’s not about doing well, it’s about showing up as you are, imperfections included.
We live in a culture that teaches us to shine, to optimize, to achieve, but real wellbeing isn’t born from control, it’s born from permission: the permission to breathe, to fail, to rest, and to still feel worthy. You are not your results. You are the person who keeps showing up, despite everything. If perfectionism has become a burden rather than a strength, there’s another way to live.
If professional support is needed, you can schedule a free 10-minute consultation to learn how Mindscape clinicians can help. Alternatively, you can fill out the form with your preferred call time and contact number, and a team member will contact you within 48 hours.
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Please be aware that most insurance companies will not cover cancellation charges. Regardless of whether your health insurance typically covers your treatment, these charges are your responsibility.
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The initial assessment sessions (up to three) will explore what brings you to therapy, your therapeutic goals, when/how the issue first developed, and what might be maintaining your difficulties. This overview will help you and your therapist create a collaborative treatment plan tailored to your needs.
There is no obligation to commit to continuing therapy after the assessment, but if you wish to start an intervention, we will discuss the most appropriate therapeutic method for you, the frequency, and the approximate number of sessions needed to achieve your goals.
All sessions last 50 minutes.
Fees for assessment/therapy sessions arranged via Health Insurance Companies vary due to the additional admin involved. Please refer to our FAQ section or contact us to discuss.
Sessions must be paid at least 48 hours in advance.
We will try and re-arrange a session if you notify us well in advance. However, missed or rescheduled appointments without a 48-hour notice will result in the full fee being charged.
Late cancellations or missed appointment fees are not covered by health insurance providers. Regardless of whether your health insurance typically covers your treatment, these charges are your responsibility. In the event that you arrive late for your appointment, please be aware that your session may be shortened to less than 50 minutes, and you will still be required to pay the full session fee under these circumstance.
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